Tomorrow

(((I just want you to know that I do know how to make paragraphs! But for some reason, my blog is not making the paragraphs that I put in??? I make it paragraphed when I type it, but then it doesn't work when I post it. Sorry that it makes it hard to read. If anyone knows how I can fix this, I would love the advice!)))) Tomorrow is the appointment that we have been waiting for. When it was scheduled, it felt like it was so far away. But really, the three weeks have flown by and given us more time to be still and enjoy our family. When I got in my car after our last GI appointment, I must admit that I was rather shocked. I had to take a minute to just sit there and think. After we had received the biopsy results about 5 days earlier, we had assumed everything looked fine as far as his nerves were concerned. We thought the "negative for Hirschsprungs" result, meant that we were now back at square one. So I was very surprised when our doctor explained to me that yes, it was not Hirschsprungs as that was an ABSENCE of the ganglion nerves, but that no, it was not a normal result. The ganglion nerves are abnormal. This kept playing over and over in my head...nerves...abnormal. Something about my baby's anatomy...abnormal...abnormal. As this record was replaying in my head, I heard a familiar name on the radio. It was Angie Smith. I first started reading her blog a couple years ago, and it is wonderful. She is now in the process of having her second book published. I think God has really used her to reach people wherever they are, whatever the struggle might be. She is an encourager. That day on the radio, she said that it is okay to be hurt and it is okay to even be angry. It is about what we do with the hurt. God doesn't tell us we cannot be hurt, but what He does want is for us to bring it to HIM. He wants us to kneel before Him, take the pain to Him, lay it before Him. (This is not an exact quote, but my recollection of what she said and how it impacted me.) So I decided in this complete moment of confusion, to STOP stressing and thinking of every possible outcome, and to give all of my feelings of being overwhelmed and confused and scared to the One who is holding us in His hands. And what blessing that moment was to remember that I cannot do this alone, nor can I carry this weight of wondering around. But I can give it to our God who loves me, and keep moving forward, keep caring for our kids, keep praising our Lord. So over the past few weeks, questions have entered my mind. But we haven't really been obsessing over it. I am not sure if it is the exhaustion :) or answers to many prayers, but I have not spent the last three weeks overwhelmed with worry. We have actually ahd a lot of fun as a family exploring our new town. I know my peace comes from God. I think (and those of you who know me well would agree) it would have been very easy for my to become completely scared and stressed. (And I definitely do have my moments of stress, trust me. I am also guilty of a little googling that first night or two to try to learn more, and quickly decided that was not helpful, nor a very good use of my time.) But I have not been obsessed over the huge number of questions about Beckett...Will he ever be able to digest solid food? How does a kid not eat solid food? How does that change family time? Thanksgiving? Will he need a colostomy? enemas? feeding tubes? Will he be able to be potty trained at the average age without the right nerves? How does life work if your GI system doesn't? I mean it must work for him some, right? We have gotten this far, and he is well. Can his nerves develop over time? maybe they are just delayed? Maybe they will be normal by his next test. Miracles happen. All those questions ran through my brain about a million times on our way out of the doctor's office, and they still enter my mind. So you can see, we do have questions. We do have stress and hurt. But, Thanks to God, we do have peace. And we are blessed with these 2 wonderful boys, and we do not take what we do have forgranted. Beckett is doing so well. He looks a lot bigger and more developed. He looks like an older baby now. He learned how to go to bed in his crib at a reasonable bed time and stay asleep for a few hours at a time! He is rolling over enough and grabbing things, that we now have to make sure there are no tiny cars on the floor, before we lay him down....because he can get to them! It is amazing. He is having more good days and less bad days...He really is doing well, and to the outsider, he probably looks like a healthy, petite baby. No one would know what a little fighter he is just by looking at him and his huge smile. He is really doing well. Thanks for praying! I will let you know how it goes, and I really will post pics soon. I must have the only near picture-less blog. :)