Welcome to Holland

A year ago today, I signed Brant up for extended day at school so that I could rest and sleep ALL day in preparation for welcoming Beckett into the world the next morning. I knew it would be my last chance to rest for a long time...I just didn't know it would be this long! If only I would have known the extent of my upcoming sleep deprivation, I would have taken much more than a day!

Tomorrow is Beckett's birthday, and we are so excited! We feel so blessed to have him as our son. He has brought nothing but good and priceless changes to our family. We are so thankful to be his parents!

To be honest with you, I can hardly remember his birth day...or week. We looked at pictures and watched videos from the day Beckett was born last night, and it felt like I was watching something for the first time...never having experienced it before, or maybe it just feels like a dream. Who knew that it would take one month and a feeding tube for him to be as big as he was on that first day of life. Who knew that this year would test us and "grow" us in huge ways. But then no one knows what each year, each day will hold. Only God. And as a sweet friend said, "He's got this."

That day feels worlds away.

And perhaps it is because we have entered a different world this year. We have new knowledge that I never imagined acquiring. I have learned about medical conditions that I never knew existed, and my heart has grown. I have watched my baby cry when there was nothing I could do to help, and my heart has ached. I have strapped my baby down for test after test, and my heart has longed for answers. I now know all about home health companies, feeding tubes, too many floors of the children's hospital, too many medicines, too little sleep. I have met moms who are going through painful heartache, moms who face much bigger giants than we do. Click here for more on this all too familiar world. My world has grown and changed this year.

This month has been a long month (explaining my complete lack of blogging) as we have been spending a lot of time doing further testing. We made 5 trips to TCH this month for appointments and tests each one followed by weeks of waiting. We are currently waiting for more results. I have realized as Beckett's first birthday nears that our sweet baby has some special needs. My little man cannot eat birthday cake or anything thicker than liquid for that matter. I have to explain this at each nursery drop off, grocery stores, restaurants. I get looks of shock when people learn how old he is. And he cannot poop (sorry, but it's the truth) without his twice daily Senna (ex-lax) and miralax. So yes, considering our baby cannot eat, poop, or grow (and his sleeping isn't great), which is what babies are expected to do, I suppose he has some special needs. His digestive system does not work as it should. We still do not know if this is something he may "grow out of" or if this will be a life-long battle for him, but for now, I think this essay sums it up well.
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Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley c1987 All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with [special needs] - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It is all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I am supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing to remember is that they haven't take you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. (emphasis mine)

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around...and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy....and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of you life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

BUT...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.
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I think that essay describes a lot of how this first year with Beckett has felt. He is amazing, beautiful, precious, and unexpected. We do not feel that we are really in Holland, but we are not in Italy...maybe Switzerland?

And while there are days that I miss Italy-- because I am tired and it is hard to watch everything be more of a struggle for your child than typical--, and I may feel surprised that we are here (wherever that here may be) I am comforted by the fact that this does not surprise God one bit. While landing in Holland or Switzerland may come as a shock to me and the thousands of other parents who are here for some reason or another, it does not shock our God. Our all-knowing Father planned this for my family's life.

Psalm 139:13-14, 16 says For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well....Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

And I find comfort in that. Have there been days of tears and hurt? Yes. Do I fully understand why my child is facing ongoing health complications? No. But being wrapped in God's love has brought peace to those days. Landing here (wherever that might be...for any of us, really) was not a mistake.

This year has been hard. Watching my baby go through test after test, all the waiting, wondering why he is not growing, but I do believe the pain will go away. Because I am not fighting this battle alone.

This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's....You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to fave them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you. 2 Chronicles 20:15, 17

I also know the pain will go away because this world-- not Italy, not Holland, not Texas-- is NOT our home. It is not our final destination. Revelation 21:3-4 says And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." As a Christian, the pain will go away. Because this place is not meant to be our home.

"Great and marvelous are your deeds,

Lord God Almighty.

Just and true are your ways,

King of the nations.

Who will not fear you, Lord,

and bring glory to your name?

For you alone are holy.

All nations will come

and worship before you,

for your righteous acts have been revealed."

Revelation 15: 3-4